Confessions of a perfectionist workaholic freelancer
Do you love working on Sundays too?
I was in your place. When everyone was chilling around and waiting to blast Mondays on social media, I was just warming up for a super-productive Monday. I felt rebellious and it felt so good!
I paid the price with my physical health, mental health, and ultimately my sanity.
If you are in this (or a similar) situation, this story is about how I am finding ways to recover from my perfectionist workaholic tendencies.
How it all began
Growing up, this was my schedule for 12 years of my life. Wake up at 6:30 AM, get ready by 7:30 AM, come back from school at 1:30 PM, and eat/sleep/study/play until sleeping at night.
I had no option but to go to school 5.5 days a week (Saturday was half-day).
Sundays were supposed to be for rest and rejuvenation. I have gleaned the same notion from most cultures around the world that Sundays are sacred.
In my past life as an IT guy, I always worked in & looked for jobs limited to 5 days/week.
As Freelancing came along, this structure in my life went POOF ☠️💨.
Work was close by (on the bed/chair/floor in one room). I had little life outside work. I wasn’t making much money. Work became an escape from my lonely Sundays. I had no reason to say no to work on Sundays.
I was afraid to draw boundaries around my work schedule. How could I? I didn’t know how to do it!
I began taking up projects that came in at weird times with short deadlines and little money to compensate.
* Not knowing when the next project would come from
* Not having a clear income forecast for the month
* Not liking the schedule I was working
These problems wrecked my mental health!
It seemed like I was fighting forever to keep Depression at bay without realizing the flaws in my own schedule that led to this situation. Add to that my constant drive being absolutely flawless at everything I do (a.k.a. perfection) and constant comparison with others.
My life wasn’t great before. It was cold but it was compartmentalized according to time and therefore it retained color.
But now without structure, all colors got mixed up. And the dominant color shone through. For me that was work.
There was no wondering “why this brand chose this tag line”, no drive to be better at what I love, and no drive to work on improving the quality of my life. Work became the smokescreen I saw my life through.
As an Autistic guy, the effect of loss of structure on me was similar to a neurotypical person having to work from home in the pandemic.
Suddenly, it flashed in my mind: I am a perfectionist workaholic
Things have been getting better in the past months though.
As I work to value myself more, I am also grateful for the few good clients that I have. I now see my harmful patterns and I try to avoid them. I also appreciate my clients and I TELL THEM THAT.
Anxiety is down by 0.5%. I remind myself every day: “Slow progress is still progress”.
And Tennis is helping cope with depressive thoughts.
Working on Sundays was, and perhaps still is, a Cancer in my lifestyle. I am glad I am getting rid of it.
I try to create my days around healthy habits that I can stick with, not just follow.
If there’s one thing you take away from this post, let it be this:
You won’t go far with habits that you don’t enjoy, so choose habits that you love and be happy that you are not a people-pleasing, trend-following influencer.
As Mark Manson says in this story:
Being happy is more about removing and letting go of messed-up beliefs you have about happiness, rather than adding something rad or impressive to your life.
Everyone needs structure in life. Whatever your life is like, FIND YOUR STRUCTURE.
No one needs perfection in their life. Not unless you are responsible for someone else’s life. YOU ARE NOT YOUR WORK.
Thank you for reading my story till the end. If you like it and want to read more such stories, please consider following me on Medium
